Authors: EJ King-Berg & Kelin Graul
Art: Gabi Backus
Smashed Signs offers the chaotic horoscopes that you don’t want but probably need.
Fun fact: the writers generally get juiced before coming up with these in order to muster up the right amount of blunt nastiness.
If you haven’t felt it already, Mercury Retrograde affects communication, short-distance travel, and daily commutes. Mercury moved into Aquarius – arguably the best fixed sign – which means that the retrograde now mostly affects fixed signs (Taurus, Leo, Scorpio, Aquarius). But you only have 1 more day of this retrograde. Just 1 more day of shit. Listen to us, and hopefully it won’t be as shitty.
Aries: Get off the couch and do something social. You’re spending too much time by yourself. Stop being such a little bitch, you hoe.
Taurus: Start taking that energy that you put toward yourself and start putting it towards others. So what if you don’t have it figured the fuck out right now? This too shall pass. Stop trying to control everything in your life and take a breath. Smell the flowers.
Gemini: Don’t screw up your classes, bitch. Pay attention. Speak your fucking truth for once. Be blunt. Quadruple check on plans in the next couple days because it’s going to be rough.
Cancer: I know you’re afraid of change, but just fucking go out there. Talk the talk and actually walk the walk. Grow up.
Leo: Watch out for exes coming back! Just because your ex is coming back doesn’t mean that it’s a good idea. Don’t be a ditz. Double-check everything. Don’t put on your rose-colored glasses, for the love of God.
Virgo: I know you’re normally a hypochondriac, but this is especially the time to be that. If you feel something is wrong, then go get it checked. Also, remember that not everything is in your control, so don’t be surprised when everything falls out of it, you dumb butt.
Libra: Stop trying to please everybody and focus on what makes you happy for once. FOR ONCE. Bernie meme: I am once again asking for you to focus on yourself and what brings you pleasure. DECIDE.
Scorpio: Don’t let your family issues jump out. I know you think everyone’s out to get you, but it’s just the stars right now. Stop starting drama. Come back to it later and be patient for God’s sakes.
Sagittarius: I know you’re all about speaking your truth, but learn to shut the fuck up for once. Not everyone needs to know your truth right now. Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver.
Capricorn: You’re known for being pretty damn stingy, but this might be the time to put it to good use. Be frugal and keep tabs on your shit. To quote Megan: “There’s some hoes in this house, and they’re going through your safe.”
Aquarius: BE CONCERNED. Be concerned about everything because you are the sign that is stuck in the middle of this shit. You’re always prepared to think out of the box, but be prepared to be shook.
Pisces: Stop repeating stupid patterns. Stop being toxic. Just because you’re an empath doesn’t make you a good person. Get out of your room. Have a conversation with someone. Now is not the time to be alone.
