Authors: Astrid Liu and Tatiana Su
Our names are Astrid Liu and Tatiana Su, and we are two of your guides to Abstinence on Tuesday, and every day besides that. Voluntary celibacy? Asexuality? WLW (women-loving women) being Capital F Fools and unable to make the first move? Our cast of writers will cover all that and more in the coming articles.
What’s this article about, you ask? Swipe right and find out! Just kidding, we’ve both had Tinder for so long that we’ve had to set our distance radius to the moon. No dice, the moon still won’t go out with either of us.
Have you ever wanted to hold a girl’s hand but wondered excessively if it would be creepy to even make direct eye contact with her? Do you not know how to initiate, continue, or even have conversation with a cute theydie without passing out? Do you fall in love with every person you see? Don’t worry. If you’re looking to have the steamiest and the hottest complete absence of any romantic interaction, look no further! This is: 10 Ways Not To Get The Girl! (Or partner in general; we don’t fuck with TERFS here.)
1. Fall in love instantly with the short-haired goth on the bus but refuse to make eye contact the entire ride.
Bonus points if you compliment their Docs … and then never talk to them again.
2. Match with someone on Tinder.
Wait for them to make the first move. They’re waiting for you to make the first move. Swipe through their Tinder several times a day.
3. Fall in love with your friend
… but say nothing because you don’t want to ruin the friendship. Instead you get dizzy every time their thigh accidentally touches yours.
4. You know someone likes you back but you neither of you do a damn thing about it.
You fantasize daily about moving into a quaint forest cottage with them, but actually asking them on a date is far too much, too soon.
5. Hooking up with frat boys or your shitty ex instead because they are admittedly easier.
At least you’ll have some action, even if you might never have an orgasm.
6. Be at the club and have your friends hype you up ALL NIGHT
… but refuse to make a move – refuse to believe that you are attractive and can withstand rejection! Allow your friends to push you into the person you’ve been making eye contact with all night. Instantly mumble, “I’m so sorry!” and dash back into the safety of your friend group. Be sure not to make eye contact, or else you might be in danger of actually getting the girl!
7. Kiss/hook up/go on dates/tell each other you love them
… but STILL ask them weeks, months, or even years (yes, once it took me two YEARS to figure out that we were dating) later if they like you because you over-analyze all your interactions.
8. Add each other to your close friends list on Instagram but never talk.
Bonus point if you think “shooting your shot” is just liking their Instagram photo.
9. Hang out with them every day
… but always assume it’s platonic.
10. If you aren’t having sex you’re perfectly valid.
If you want to have sex and you’re not having it, you’re perfectly valid. The sex life you do or don’t have is valid – so long as it’s healthy and doesn’t harm you or others. Having anxieties around your sex life is perfectly normal. We all have them. More than that, societal taboos and oppression of queer/femme/POC sexuality add even more anxiety to our love lives. So take a moment to reflect: am I not making a move because I really don’t want to, or because someone else’s words/traumas have made me feel like I shouldn’t? And, if you conclude that you do want to make a move, maybe start small. Say hi to that one person who sits across from you in lecture. Even if it’s over Zoom.
