Authors: Luis Calixto, Jen Hernandez Garcia, Tatiana Su
Art: Gabi Backus
Smashed Signs offers the chaotic horoscopes that you don’t want but probably need.
Fun fact: the writers generally get juiced before coming up with these in order to muster up the right amount of blunt nastiness, but Tatiana can write them sober.
Aries: You’re about to be nose deep in pussy this winter, you little horn dog. Go get your big titty goth girlfriend, but make sure not to trample any feelings along the way in those chunky Doc Martens.
Taurus: Another potential PG&E outage was not an excuse to hole up in your apartment like a fucking boring ass pile of wank you piece of shit. Actually go out and meet people so you don’t just have 2 friends. Get some side hoes!
Gemini: People give you suggestions because they care about you, not because they’re judging you. Get your head out of your ass and tell your friends you appreciate them.
Cancer: Not everything is a sign. Stop depending on the universe for answers because it has bigger things to worry about than sad little bitches crying in the bathroom at Kip’s at 1 am.
Leo: You’re loyal to your friends, but do you actually listen to them? It might be time to cut down on the unsolicited advice (read: sucking your own dick). Also, ain’t nobody got time to look through the 10 story highlights on your Instagram profile.
Virgo: No one cares what color tabs you use to organize your anime series you fucking gremlin. And stop drafting long detailed texts to your crush just to delete them because you started over analyzing your usage of periods.
Libra: It’s okay to have an opinion. The world won’t end if someone doesn’t like you. Stop seeking validation from anyone and everyone, but also maybe message first on Tinder every once in a while. Bitch.
Scorpio: Being mysterious doesn’t necessarily make you interesting. Also, you can’t fuck away your problems— but you’re probably still going to try, Scorpi-hoe.
Sagittarius: Don’t feel like you have to do everything yourself. In fact, you should probably sit your ass down and shut the fuck up for a second before doing or saying whatever your ape brain had spontaneously decided was a good idea.
Capricorn: Let go for a bit and allow yourself to feel something other than stress. Is that a new wrinkle on your forehead? Either chill out a bit or invest in some hella powerful anti-aging creams. And remember to listen to your moon, you stone cold bitch.
Aquarius: We get it, you’re d i f f e r e n t. You devote so much energy toward crafting a unique and provocative persona, but maybe you should focus instead on not being such an emotionless twat.
Pisces: Y’all really have the least brain cells out of any sign, yet you still manage to constantly overthink. Existential crises are not a replacement for a personality! This winter, take a break from growing plants and try growing a backbone instead.
